(This came over the transom, cited as “author unknown”. I did not write this, but wish I did. There is no pandemic and never was. Restaurants are totally safe. Life is safe in the same sense as it always was. Everything about CovidReligion is a total, obvious lie, and belief in it is a species of witchcraft mentality. Restaurants should be supported and patronized. -AB)
Let’s go out to eat, 2020 style…
1. Arrive at restaurant, take mask off mirror (or out of glove compartment) where it hangs or lays every day when not in use.
2. Slip it on, trying not to ruin the hair do.
*MAGICAL ANTI-GERM BARRIER ENGAGE!!!*
3. Proceed into restaurant, opening door with same handle grabbed by 200 people so far today.
4. Hostess who touches her face and mask an average of three times per minute has immediate seating for your woke party of three. Walk past entire restaurant of unmasked people. It’s ok, they’re sitting.
*SEATED ANTI-GERM FORCE FIELD ENGAGE!!!*
6. Safely within your anti-germ force field, remove mask. Browse menu while making relaxed inhales of the same recirculated AC air previously inside the lungs of the 200 people that also grabbed the door handle.
7. Waitress, who touches her face and mask an average of three times per minute drops off drinks bare handed, which she touches her face and mask with three times per minute, on average.
8. Grab drink with your bare hand. Sip leisurely, secure in knowing you’re within your anti-germ force field of “seated-ness”.
9. Too many drinks. Need to pee. Don the magical anti-germ barrier mask as you leave your anti-germ force field of “seated-ness”.
10. Walk past 40 unmasked restaurant patrons. Open bathroom with same doorknob grabbed by 100 other people so far today.
11. Return to table past same 40 unmasked restaurant patrons.
12. Remove mask. Once again safe in your anti-germ force field of “seated-ness”. Waitress takes your sweaty drink glass with her bare hand which she touches her face and mask with an average of three times per minute, refills, hands back to you. You accept with your bare hand. Grab some bread and eat it. Same hand. Yum Yum.
13. Meal complete. Mask on. Walk past 40 unmasked patrons. Make full body contact with at least 4 people waiting at the hostess stand as you squeeze your way back to the door – no matter, they’re all also wearing their magical anti-germ barriers.
14. Grab exit handle, which you are now the 220th person of the day to touch. Eating out successful.
15. Breathe a sigh of relief knowing that even after leaving the protection of your home and venturing out into the scary world of the public, you are essentially sterile thanks to your state approved methods of magical germ mitigation, THE MASK!