You’re not going to believe this, and I will totally not blame you if you don’t, but it happened again today, but this time I got to throw a tackle that would make Jon Lynch stand and salute.
So I’m walking down the sidewalk in the city I’m in today – not the biggest city in the world, but a city. And I see a cop on a horse – when is the last time you saw a cop on a horse? – chasing a dude. The dude is carrying a woman’s backpack/purse thingy, which he clearly had just stolen from one of the restaurant patios lining this street. The thief does a stutter-step/crossover to try and ditch the horse (horses are big and intimidating, but not super-maneuverable on the cut when standing on pavement) and starts hauling tail up the sidewalk straight towards me.
I saw all this, remembered what an absolute pain in the rump it was when I had my purse stolen in a mall in Denver 12 years ago, sized the punk up, determined that he had maybe two inches and maybe a few pounds on me, but not much, squared myself up, lowered my center of gravity, remembered
1. Trust in God and fear no man
2. Chin up
3. Step up into the tackle and
4. Wrap him up
I stepped forward and up into the tackle when he met me, wrapped him up, slammed him into the wall, held him there for four seconds or so, wrested the purse out of his hand, and then when the horse cop caught up, let him go and let the horse cop deal with him. I then set the purse down for the cop to take care of.
I then turned to the group of 40 or so onlookers who were all standing there completely slack jawed, and if I may say with regards to the men, FLACCID, tipped my cap to them (as one does), and proceeded down the sidewalk with not a small grin on my face. And while I was, once again, utterly disgusted by the able-bodied men who just stood and watched all of this, I was, God forgive me, quite pleased with my execution on the whole.
It was, without question, the single most badass physical feat I have ever executed. And no steroids, no painkillers, no pads, and you best believe that I was totally rocking a skirt.
1. Darn little is accomplished in this life by standing and staring with our mouths hanging open like codfish while we hold our bits in one hand and twirl our hair with the other. Someone, at some point, has to step up and do something when evil is on the march. Who is it going to be? (crazy-eyed cleaning lady in skirt and hat raises hand)
2. I should have gotten my center even lower and tackled him a few inches lower. I could have thrown him to the ground if I had been just a tad lower. Chalk it up to experience. Next time… next time.
3. It didn’t hurt at all. The impact is spread over most of the torso, so no problem. The human body is pretty darn sturdy.
4. Twelve years of weight training and CrossFit, paying off, baby. I’m so glad I’m not all skinny and weak.
5. My guardian angel is probably demanding a transfer as we speak. Poor dear. Between stuff like this and the body odor, he has a compelling argument.