1. I don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ no babies, nor ’bout no mollusks. Ain’t no mollusks up in where I be from. I jus’ eats ’em in restaurants an’ whatnot. Way I sees it, all a cracka’ need to be doin’ is meltin’ up a mess of butter wit’ a big jug of dat whitey-white wine, boil ‘dem mollusks all up in dat until they be all opening dey mollusk mouths an’ whatnot, then eat dem freaks, sopping’ all dat butter and cracker-wine up wit’ a big ol’ loafa bread.
Dat be “stylistic bad grammar”. We be commin’ back at dat fo’ shizzle momentarily. Knowaimsayin?
(It took me three hours to type that with autocorrect on. True story.)
2. The follow-up post to the big Contraception essay was one of my all-time favorites. I’m with Shakespeare: brevity is indeed the soul of wit. And also the other thing about killing all the lawyers. Just because it still makes me laugh here it is:
You have stated that you are 35 years old and, from what I can tell, have no children. Just wondering what method of birth control is preferred by hypocrites like you.
3. It is reported today that J.P. Morgan Chase is demanding that its employees fill out surveys answering whether or not they are “allies of the LGBT community”. Hey, remember when people were dumb enough to actually believe that all the sodomites wanted was to be “left alone”? Yeah. Just like satan. All satan wants is to just go down to hell and be left alone. Satan has no interest in dragging anyone to hell with him. Nooooooo.
This ends with people being arrested, declared mentally ill, shipped to “psychiatric hospitals” and executed for refusing to publicly embrace sodomy. They will. not. stop.
4. So I cleaned a rental property the other day in Riverville that had been occupied by Eddie Haskell for the past four months. “Well, hello Mrs. Cleaver. What a lovely sweater you’re wearing today.” Uh-huh. Thanks, Eddie. Well, Eddie TRASHED the joint. If I ever see Eddie again, you better trust Eddie is getting his *** chewed, rehearsed manners notwithstanding. I scraped Eddie’s chewing gum – piece after piece of chewing gum, up off the floor with a putty knife, where he would just spit it out – including between the bed and the wall. Dirty dishes were left filled with desiccated food to rot, which Eddie then used as an ashtray. And when the dirty dishes ran out, he just started using the steps as an ashtray. I’ll not describe the toilet. But I will share this: after soaking the bowl for an hour with plutonium-239, I picked up the brush out of one of those brush holder cylinder thingies. And a piece of poo dropped from the brush onto my foot. EW!!!!
Shake it off, soldier. Man up. Quit yer’ b****in’ and complete the mission. And you know I did. But still. Ew. Oh, and by the way, trashing a rental property is a highly reliable sign of sociopathy. Eddie Haskell has no shame, and the absence of shame for one’s behavior is basically what sociopathy (and its more severe sibling, psychopathy) are. If Eddie Haskell had shame he would have never left the property in that sickening state for some poor, random, unfortunate ex-commodity broker counter-revolutionary Xanthippe to clean up. #REDFLAG
5. So Valerie Jarrett, the black-hearted Iranian communist psychopath who is actually running the White House, tweeted this the other day in response to a picture of a picture frame with her picture in it that has little figurines of people bowing and worshiping in front of it:
Don’t worry friends, it was a gag gift. Us strong women don’t need worship — just an economy for the 21st century. #WomenSucceed
Yep. She really is that stupid. She used “Us” as a subject pronoun. This isn’t stylistic bad grammar as in item #1 above. Nope. You have allowed not just a conscienceless psychopathic Iranian communist fishwife and her gang of barely-mammalian hangers-on to overthrow your republic, but a conscienceless psychopathic Iranian communist fishwife who is also *teetering on the precipice of mental retardation* to overthrow your country. And you know what’s REALLY scary? Jarrett is, BY FAR, the brains in the Obama circle. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: These people have had the wild success they have had for one reason and one reason only. They are bold. They aren’t afraid. They are pro-active. Just like their father, satan. Compare that to “us”, who are timid, cowering, terrified of everyone and everything except God Almighty, and either convinced that “moderation” and “prevent defense” is the only way to go OR completely flaccid and supine. At least Hitler had a passing familiarity with the German language. What possible excuse will we have? None. Absolutely none.
6. For your “the cover is better than the original” file, here is The Bangles’ 1987 cover of S&G’s “Hazy Shade of Winter”. I have been revisiting the Bangles oeuvre of late, and I gotta say that those chicks really rocked. They weren’t a mere gimmick band.